And they all lived Happily Ever After
My best friend and I have known each other since 1996 and we’ve been each others closest friend since the year 2000. Our friendship has spanned all sorts of life circumstances from high school all the way through college and from college to corporate America. We’ve shared all sorts of experiences from first loves to first heartbreaks, from being single and searching to the ups and downs of serious relationships. When I got married, my best friend was right there with me, one of the best men at my wedding. Thing is, she’s a she. That’s right, I’m one of those guys who has a female best friend. Today I want to talk about how to effectively maintain both your friendship and your romantic relationship when your best friend is of the opposite sex.
Most of the time, when someone has a best friend of the opposite sex, that relationship is born out of either years and years of knowing each other on a strictly platonic level, or, it’s born out of a failed romantic relationship. Sometimes, as in my case, the inclination toward being romantic was just never there and other times, the relationship at some point takes a romantic turn but after exploring those possibilities, the two individuals come to the mutual conclusion that they’re better off just being friends. Either way, regardless of how the relationship ends up being platonic, as they build romantic relationships with other people, both sides need to be absolutely certain they have no romantic feelings toward each other.
As you begin the process of building a relationship with a new potential love interest, it is imperative that you communicate to them the depth and importance of your friendship. From as early on as possible, you need to make it clear that you have a best friend of the opposite sex whose friendship you value and plan to maintain throughout the course of this new relationship. Some people are immovable when it comes to this sort of thing. If the person you’re getting to know is not willing to accept your friendship, then knowing this information from the outset gives you both the opportunity to make a clear decision on how to proceed without your feelings for one another getting in the way. If you wait to spring your friend on them till after you’ve both fallen for each other, you’re setting yourself up to lose either the friend, or the lover.
As your romantic relationship matures, your friendship should also mature. Over time, you need to start establishing certain boundaries around the frequency, depth, and nature of your interactions with your best friend. Unless your friend is about to commit suicide and you’re talking them off the ledge, there’s really no need for frequent 2 or 3 hour phone conversations, especially if those conversations extend past bedtime. Also, as I stated in my post on emotional infidelity, you should limit the amount of conversation you have around unresolved issues in your relationship with anybody, especially a friend of the opposite sex. That sort of conversation can eventually drive a wedge between your and your significant other. At some point you relationship with your significant other will begin to play a larger role in your life than your friendship. It’s just the natural order of things. Hopefully, the foundation you and your friend have built your friendship on is strong enough to withstand a little dialing back. If they are a good friend, they will understand. As this happens there are certain things you can do to make sure you’re adequately prioritizing both relationships. One thing you can do is let the two individuals get to know each other. This can be a little hairy at first, but if you’ve done the work of letting both sides know how important they both are to you and if they’re both mature, trusting individuals, they should at least be able to be cordial and friendly with each other. Though it may not seem so at first and though it may go against our natural inclination toward marking our territory, it is to the benefit of all parties involved that the two folks of the same sex in this triangle get to know and like each other, particularly if you all live near each other and will be seeing each other at birthday parties, baby showers and other celebrations.
The most important rule in maintaining a friendship with an opposite sex friend when you’re in a committed relationship is this: Do not have sex with your best friend. Studies have shown that when these situations end badly, it’s usually because the two friends decided to be more than just friends for one night (ok, so, maybe I made up the ‘studies have shown‘ part). You must avoid this at all costs. When this happens you ruin not only your friendship, but you also ruin your relationship. In addition to ruining the friendship and the relationship, you also make it harder for every other person in the world trying to manage this sort of situation by sullying the institution of platonic male/female relationships. Your former best friend who you ending up cheating with and your ex who you ended up cheating on will both be distrustful of the next person they’re with should that person have a best friend of the opposite sex. All because of our irresponsibility. Do us all a favor and keep it in your pants.
So, do any of you out there have best friends of the opposite sex and has that friendship caused any issues in your romantic relationships? Or maybe you’re one of those people who don’t believe platonic friendships between men and women can exist – how have you responded when a potential love interest has had a best friend of the opposite sex. As always – feel free to over share.
thedukeofrichmond
King Spradley
The Lower Frequency 
PREACH!! Unfortunately, not many men and women understand the boundaries, rules and “what not” to do when trying to build a foundation with someone new and how to maintain a friendship all at once. I’ve gone through something very similar and I was the one who walked away because my boyfriend (at the time) failed to make sure I was comforatble with a “friendship” he had with another woman and allowed me to draw my own conclusions about the two of them. Being upfront, and transparent about “friendships” before getting into romantic relationships are KEY! I applaud this article! Great read!
I cannot say that my best friend is of the opposite sex BUT I can say that majority of my close friends are of the opposite sex so in some manner I understand this post. Things can be touchy in theis situation if not played right. I firmly agree with two things: one is to expose your mate to these relationship, define it adn let your mate knwo who this person/people are and what they mean to so your mate is comfortable. Two, “Don’t have sex with your best friend” are the golden words. it gets no simpler and if this rule needs to be explained you should not a have a best/close friend of the opposite sex, period.
Many people believe that men and women cannot have platonic relationships but I shake my head at those nay sayers, it very possible. Everyone does not always have the need or desire to sleep with everyone. Sometimes there are some things you can’t get from your same sex friends. I for example I grew up very much so a tom boy and because of that I like sports and can at times be a little rough around the edges. There aren’t too many women I know that will sit with me and watch a basketball or football game. And I mean watch it and understand what’s going on not just sit in front of the screen and kepp asking what happened. Do you know it is to explain to someone what a blitz is or a screen is? Or why that flag was just thrown on the field? Next thing you knwo I missed the next to plays. Sorry homey I can’t do it. I grew up with my brother and a gang of dudes, it wasn’t until college that I found real girlfriends and understood what that relationship was about. So for me friendships of the opposite sex are normal and can very much be platonic. Just as long as you “keep it in your pants’.
Acceptance of your significant others friends of the opposite sex requires first and foremost self-confidence. Any insecurities will surely exacerbate even the smallest issues and always leave the thought of infidelity lingering.
That said – I’m not a believer in the concept of male/female platonic relationships to the extent that some deeper feelings do not exist at some point. I believe it’s just a matter of both parties controlling and/or suppressing them. In my opinion, fostering the relationship between your friend and your significant other is the best way to accomplish this successfully.
My best friends are of the same sex… however, I do have a very close friend of the opposite sex. & as you stated, ours was one that was born out of a failed romantic entaglement. That being said… he knows me; he may not have been right for me but he certainly knows me. He knows when I’m not being true to myself in a new relationship, he knows when I’m being ‘a girl’ and thinking way to far ahead… he knows from the way I may describe a new dude if it sounds like we’ll be together longer than 6 months. His perspective on things has become invaluable in the last 6 or so years. I think I do a good job at keeping his ‘involvment’ in my relationship issues to a minimum (if at all) and he does the same. So far, I haven’t had any trouble explaining his place to any potential mates. I’ve gotten a few *side-eyes* when I told them he was an ex too but I felt like the information was necessary. I didn’t want to hold back. I haven’t gotten to the ‘introduce them’ phase yet but I’m sure that’ll be on the menu one day.
Good post ❤
My best friend is of the opposite sex. I’m not sure your advice holds true for everyone, people have to do what they need to do to be happy with themselves at the end of the day. I do believe in platonic relationships between men and women, but that’s provided that men have the ability to not screw everything that moves, I think that’s about 75% of men. Also, it’s provided that women have the ability to not wonder why a man hasn’t hit it yet, as if her p*ssy isn’t uranium. That’s like 40% of all women.
You do what works for you and i’ll do what works for me, but if you can’t tell your best friend any and everything you’re going to have some problems. Obviously if you’re married, you’ve exchanged vows before God that your wife/husband is your best friend, so you’ve got to make some decisions. But you have to have someone who you are not romantically involved with that you can go to with everything. And if that isn’t your best friend, then that isn’t your best friend.
Lastly, I think that i’m usually able to tell a platonic relationship from a romantic or potentially romantic in the way a woman treats the two of us. If she’s hesitant to introduce us, chances are, i’m not that serious to her, or she is involved in a not so clear relationship with that friend. People catch and hold people of the opposite sex ALL THE TIME. They’ll be a friend, a close friend for years, but they’re still deep down hoping for a Brown Sugar type ending. Yes, your opposite sex friend may be there for you through your relationship, engagement, marriage and divorce, but in the back of their mind, they’re just waiting for you to “come to your senses.”
Beware of those best friends who are single and never seem to be dating anyone seriously. That’s usually an indication that they think all the good parking spots are taken. And they’ll wait you out for years.
“If she’s hesitant to introduce us, chances are, i’m not that serious to her, or she is involved in a not so clear relationship with that friend.”
this is how i would perceive it as well.
” They’ll be a friend, a close friend for years, but they’re still deep down hoping for a Brown Sugar type ending. Yes, your opposite sex friend may be there for you through your relationship, engagement, marriage and divorce, but in the back of their mind, they’re just waiting for you to “come to your senses.” ”
i don’t know why people think they can have movie type endings. situations like this rarely play out that way in real life.
i have two extremely close friends who i would probably call best friends. one is a man and one is a woman. since this post is about opposite sex friendships i’ll expound on that friendship. i met her when i was 17. we attended undergrad together. had the same exact schedule every semester, every year. we ended up going to grad school together (600 miles from home) and working in the same lab. i was in her wedding. i know about all her relationships she’s had in her adult life. i helped her through her divorce.
you gave good advice about how to manage both types of relationships. we both are respectful of each other’s relationship when we are in one and i think that’s the bottom line.
I’ve not had a male “best” friend, but I do have some close male friends. I treat them just as I do my same sex friendships. We can talk for hours several times in a week or go a couple of months without catching up with each other, but pick up right where we left off without missing a beat.
I have run into problems with the “friend in waiting” that Dr J mentioned, but I’m used to it at this point. I can think of a couple of different scenarios. 1) They could be offering friendship because they aren’t one of those people who lay it all out on the table when they are interested. They could be looking for something long-term and know that friendship is where it should start. So, they’re taking their time. The problem with this is… scenario 2)… Men that play the friend role. Their intent is hidden and defined only to them. In either instance, I have more of a guard up. I move much slower in establishing a friendship, which really sucks for the dude that’s on the up and up, and simply uses the “we need to be friends approach”. If a dude steps wrong, my perception can flip quickly from “he’s feeling me out” to “he’s trying to play the friend role cuz he thinks I’ll drop my guard and then he can hit”. It’s clearly tied to trust within the relationship (whatever type of relationship), but I’ve run into this often and in business dealings… so, I have a low threshold for it. I know, my baggage. *shrug*
I prefer the dude that is more direct. You meet, you establish a friendly rapport. The time that it takes to build a friendly rapport isn’t defined. It could be a week or some months, but they are asking assessment questions. It’s deeper than “Hey, what are you up to this weekend?” They let you know they are interested pretty early on. You may not bite for whatever reason and you become friends. They date and you date, but you still know that if the opportunity presented itself they might be open to taking it to the next level. I prefer this scenario – this is healthy. They know they have something to offer and they aren’t going to wait you out. It could be my loss, but that’s cool – this is direct and I can deal. IMO, when a dude is willing to wait for an extended period of time he emasculates himself. It’s not endearing.
To your other point, I’ve found that my real platonic male friends have no problem meeting my guy. Men will drop like flies when presented with this scenario. Then there are ones who want to meet him because they want to see the competition. I’ve lost male friends after we’ve all hung out, as well. My interaction between platonic and romantic is totally different. If they (the platonic friend) had a doubt that I was digging them, the light bulb comes on once they see firsthand. They realize “I . am . her . friend”. And it’s not about being all hugged up either – it’s about presence.
I have great guy friends and the ones that I have no romantic interest in whatsoever provide no issue with me whatsoever. Even if he flirts and comments on my boots or look or whatever, doesn’t faze me, in the slightest.
Where I grew up, men and women really are friends, #likeeverydayb. It’s not a question of if men and women can be friends. Now can people that lust after each other, people with unresolved feelings be friends, people with a “history” be friends? That’s tougher. I hope so, I hope that eventually I will be over my Him and we’ll be in each other’s lives again, but maybe we never will be-and that hurts my heart, but then again, I’m still in love with him…so there ya go.
I hope my husband does have female friends, we are good for more than just sex after all, but like you said, boundaries are priority one. If he’s telling her things he can’t tell me or talking about our relationship…I don’t like that…not at all. I should be your best friend.
You know, my best friend is the opposite sex. How? we knew each other for two years and then we dated. That relationship failed but we continued to be best friends. And you know? It actually made my relationship with him stronger because we know each other so well. After we broke up, I often got jealous of all the new girlfriends he had dated. I took it hard because he was my first boyfriend. Couple months later, I got over him. I told myself I rather have a best friend that I can be friends with forever than a temporary boyfriend. My best friend told all the girls he once dated that I am a very important best friend that no one can replace or make him ignore. This is a great post sir 🙂 I agree with you 100%.
I am the best friend of a guy named Jake, who is like my older brother. He has recently started dating a barely legal girl. From the beginning of their relationship Jake’s girlfriend has had an issue with me being in his life. Over these past couple months I have gone out of my way and make her feel comfortable at all times. I’ve taken her to lunch by ourselves, talked with her about the guy I’m dating, and even taken care of her cat when it was sick and she was out of town. Its like she is my best girlfriend to my face, but when she isn’t around me all she does is bitch about me.
She says I have a lack of boundaries but in all reality I maybe see him once a month and talk to him on the phone for maybe 20 mins a week. I don’t know what else to do about my friendship…. I even stood by and watched her lie to my best friend about being pregnant because she was afraid of loosing him. Even worse I witnessed her being incredibly selfish and unsupportive. Jake was going through a traumatic time for him because he had to watch his dog go from happy and health to slowly dyeing over a 3 day period. All this girl had to say was “I’ve never been second to anyone in my life, much less a dog”. He and I have been friends for 6 years, best friends. So any advice at this point would be greatly appreciated.
Now our friendship is almost over cause he is choosing this girl he has been dating for 5 months over our friendship. Jake’s girlfriend has said the reason she doesn’t like our friendship is because she feels that I know him better than she does, but of coarse I do because I have known him longer. Please, if you have any advice on how to keep my friendship and deal with this girl it would be greatly appreciated